Since Covid, I’ve focused hard on how to make female friends after 50 years old. Recently, Leo (my husband) and I went to a benefit for a local organization. Because it was our first time supporting this outfit, we were seated in a noisy section, far from the groups that bought full tables to accommodate their elite guests.
We sat down next to a couple that arrived early. Slightly older than us, the man (let’s call him Chad) seemed aloof. We ended the night after three hours without telling him much about ourselves. But we know he travels and works for himself. From his wife, we learned they are child free like me, have two dogs, and enjoy travel.
Also seated with us was a young, attractive “they” couple that I presumed were lesbians. Much younger than us, one of the girls (Carter) was gregarious with orange hair and a body full of tats. Her partner, Alex, was more subdued but equally engaging. We learned very quickly that Carter had already lived several lifetimes in her short lifetime, having volunteered in Africa, traveled a bit, and landed in Colorado by some circuitous route I’m curious to know more about. Alex seemed like a stabilizing force for Carter, Carter seemed like an adventuring source for Alex.
You Keep Me Safe, I’ll Keep You Wild
Leo and I have this sign in our own house (curiously, I’m the “wild” one). It reminds me Carter and Alex, too. One for stability, the other for excitement.
They learned almost as much about us as we learned about them.
When Carter and their partner sat down, I feared Chad would be dismissive of their alternative lifestyle. But he introduced himself and chatted up Carter like a politician seeking their vote.
Carter and Leo exchanged numbers at the end of the evening. We met up with them a few months later over drinks, and they were even more interesting than the time before. Who knew old folks like us would be good company for young, hip women like Carter and Alex? I didn’t think this was how to meet female friends after 50, but here we were.
Which brings me to a few tips for those of us wanting to make friends as adults. It can be hard after school, and even more tricky in middle age. We get busy, we don’t regularly meet new people much, and we have all those pesky responsibilities. Besides, the older we get, the more our habits solidify.
Still, as someone who actively tries to meet new people, I have a few tips for those trying to learn how to make female friends after 50.
1. Be Open To Alternative Friendships.
That Carter and their partner were willing to strike up a friendship with old hetero people means they’re just the of quirky people I love having in my circle. I seek friends from all backgrounds, all ages, all types. If I wrote someone off because they’re too old or young for me, I’d have missed out on some of the most rewarding relationships of my life.
“Friendships between women, as any woman will tell you, are built of a thousand small kindnesses… swapped back and forth and over again.”
MICHELLE OBAMA
2. Join Groups.
Many people think they’re not “joiners”. But if you’ve never felt included in a group, how do you know you wouldn’t like one?
In college, I was terrified to join one particular group. I thought it was dorky and would make me feel like a loser. However, I reached Critical Loneliness and gave it a whirl. That “dorky” group netted some of the most joyful relationships I ever had. Being a part of that group gave me the kind of connection I longed for.
It can be awkward AF to jump in and start conversations with strangers. I like to have some neutral topics available in case conversation stalls. If I join a conversation already in progress, it’s usually to crack a joke (often met with blank stares). I’ve learned to be okay with awkward discomfort, though. It won’t kill you.
You can find groups on Meetup, at local churches, on Volunteer Match, at your local Rotary or Kiwanis chapter, and more. Classes at the community college, fitness, and beyond. There are so many groups you can explore just to get started.
3. Follow Up.
If you connect with someone, even in a shallow way, don’t wait too long to follow up. Try to schedule another get together on the spot or within a few weeks. Carter got our digits as we left and we heard from her in a few days. My other charming friend was the same way. Even if it feels weird, be willing to ask for a “date” with any new potential friend. You might be rejected, but you won’t make a new friend unless you make the effort. Oh, you’ll also survive rejection.
4. Say “Yes” to Weird Activities.
The friends I’ve met in the last five years (including Carter and Alex) emerged because I attended an activity without any expectations. Both were activities I had never tried before, but that represented things I cared about. It’s important to go as a couple (if you’re part of one) and alone to various events as you seek your tribe. You just never know with whom you might connect.
5. Beware of Charm.
Charm is a great connector. One good friend of mine is incredibly charming and knows how to work a room. She’s also proven herself to be generous in spirit, kind-hearted, bright, interesting and a lot of fun to be around. Other charmers in my life aren’t so pleasant, and some them are downright hateful.
When meeting someone charming, proceed with caution. They might be a nice person, or they might want something you’re not prepared to give. Make sure you do your research and put in the time to determine which type of charmer they are.
6. Don’t Overshare.
Years ago, Leo and I were at a party for one of his friends. One guest fell off her barstool onto her ass. Knowing she was embarrassed, I said, “It would have been me if it wasn’t you.” She laughed and we chatted for a while. I was sure we were going to become total besties before the night was done. Then, after too many beers, I said, “Man, do you ever just need a moment to hide out in the bathroom just to get away from people for a minute?” The look on her face! I never saw that woman again.
I realized later that I was so desperate for a new friend, I over-vulnerabled her. Now, I just try to crack jokes without revealing too much about myself until they ask. If this sounds like you, learn to keep your cards closer to the vest for a few months. No sense freaking people out too early in the game.
How To Talk To Anyone
I like to think am an adequate conversationalist, but I’m sure anyone talking to me thinks I could improve. I just got this book, but haven’t finished it. Some stuff is obvious, but there are some interesting gems in here.
7. Try and Try Again.
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve failed to make a friend. Just recently, I took an art class. There was a woman in the class (let’s call her Emma) who I enjoyed a great deal. She was married, probably in her thirties, and had two small children. She seemed adequately geeky like me, but also chatty and bright. I made a vague attempt to collect her digits before class was over, but was interrupted and we didn’t exchange information. While I hope to run into her in the studio, I’m sad she’s unlikely to become part of my circle.
But you know what? There are more people out there. So it’s right back on that horse for me. You might have to fail a lot before you figure out how to make female friends after 50!
8. Handling Rejection When You’re Introverted or Shy.
People who identify this way have some extra hurdles. It can be terrifying to put yourself out there and get rejected. But you know what’s nice about getting rejected again and again (which I know from experience)? You get really good at it.
Rejection from others gives you helpful information. They aren’t your people. You might have to reevaluate who your people are. The more you experiment with different types and environments, the better you’ll get at knowing who yours are. Remain wary of charm, but keep putting your geeky, awkward, weird and wonderful self out there and one day you’ll find a slew of people who think you’re magnificent.
My quest to make new friends has just begun. It’s work, but fun work. And I’ve found that just one connection makes up for years (even decades) of rejection.