I’ve been on both sides of the grudge coin.
In my 20s, I “broke up” with a friend. I thought they brought out the worst in me. Once I realized I was responsible for at least half of that breakdown, my attitude softened and we’ve since reconciled. I still feel sadness and guilt about our time apart, but my friend’s generous spirit helps ease that discomfort.
On the flip side, a family member who developed a grudge and cut contact with me for years after I publicly shared stories of their poor treatment of me. Now, we only communicate occasionally for tactical matters. Without therapy, I fear we may never have the kind of bond I think we both wanted.
Most of us have been on both sides of a grudge. Especially since the election last week, people may hold grudges because you “voted for a politician I don’t like.” Grudges develop because of perceived wrongs that aren’t resolved.
For me, it helps to think of a grudge as a boundary someone erects to protect themselves from unwanted feelings by convincing themselves the grudg-ee is “the bad guy” in a relationship. Grudge Holders typically believe they’ve done nothing wrong. Or, they might think the way they were wronged was far worse than they way they wronged someone else.
When someone holds a grudge against you, you might think you did something wrong even if you didn’t. You might believe there’s something wrong with you even if you’re awesome. The whole situation can be hard on your spirit and ego. Meanwhile, the Grudge Holder feels justified. Sometimes, he even commits time and energy to destroying your reputation in social (or broader) circles.
How to manage someone’s grudge against you:
1. Examine Your Behavior
How do you feel about what caused this grudge? Were you behaving rashly or responsibly? Understanding how you contributed to the grudge is critical if you ever want to smooth things over. Grudges don’t usually happen without misunderstandings, conflicting value systems and/or miscommunication. Make sure your behavior reflected your relational values.
2. Apologize.
Apologize for however you contributed to the grudge. Sincerely. Not with a casual text, but with a heartfelt, in person (if possible) apology that acknowledges your mistake/s. No “buts” or insinuating that the Grudge Holder deserved it. Make sure the Grudge Holder knows you feel remorse and that you’re willing to repair things or find a compromise.
3. Remember: You’re Not A Terrible Person
Don’t dwell on any mistake you made. You’ve made countless blunders that others forgave. While reflecting on your contribution to the grudge is important, it may be more about the Grudge Holder’s self esteem or ego than your behavior. You aren’t a terrible human because one person wants to believe you are. No Grudge Holder define your value.
Book: How To Hug A Porcupine
Maybe this book can help you “love” that person who’s clinging to their a grudge against you. I haven’t read the whole thing, but at a glance it seems like a quick, light read that might help.
4. Neither Are They (A Terrible Person)
While you’re recognizing you’re one of the good guys, they probably are too. Even if they’re holding a grudge against you for reasons that seem petty to you, it doesn’t make them a monster. They’re just a person with pain they don’t know how to tolerate and every moment with you is a reminder of that. So as you remember you’re a decent human, remember they are too.
5. Understand The Grudge Holder’s Limitations
Some people can’t emotionally coexist with their vulnerability to another’s perceived cruelty. Their temperament and history may leave them less able to forgive you for their pain. They may not even be able to see their own role in the situation until they face their own demons. If they ever do. Recognize you don’t necessarily know all the roadblocks your Grudge Holder needs to overcome in order to forgive.
5. Prepare for Retaliation
Not all Grudge Holders retaliate, but some do. If you’ve bruised someone’s fragile ego or beliefs about who they are, they may lie, cheat, and steal to protect their image at your expense, depending on the magnitude of their pain and aggression. You’ll have to know exactly who you are — and exactly who the grudger is — to navigate whatever behavior accompanies the grudge.
6. You May Have To Kiss A Few “Friends” Goodbye
Depending on their character, a Grudge Holder may disparage you to others in your circle. This happened with someone’s grudge against me. While this can be disheartening, you also learn which relationships truly matter. Anyone who seeks both sides of the story is an important ally. Those who adopt the Grudge Holder’s version without question might not be.
7. Accept Their Perspective
There is no “right” way to feel or behave. One man’s “big whoop” is another’s devastating tragedy. It’s all perspective and your Grudger may have a different (not right or wrong) view of the situation. This person may always decide you’re the bad guy. Accepting that grudge as a viewpoint — not a truth — may help you accept the death or shift of that relationship.
8. Celebrate Their Absence
Why have someone in your life who doesn’t think you’re awesome? Your Grudge Holder’s absence frees you to find more accepting, appreciative people to fill up your world. Hopefully, you’ll learn to choose relationships more carefully and bring more positive, grateful people into your fold. Your life may transform in the most astonishing ways.
It is easier to let go of someone’s opinion of you when you understand that others see you through a combination of their past conditioning and their current emotional state without realizing it, they see themselves first, and through that lens they get an unclear picture of you.
Yung Pueblo
9. Recognize Risky People
If your Grudge Holder was ever judgmental, spiteful, or bitter toward others, they were likely to behave that way toward you at some point. When you welcomed this person in your life, you accepted that risk. You chose charisma over character. Don’t beat yourself up for it, but recognize how that risk led to this outcome without becoming judgmental yourself.
10. Be Civilized In Their Presence
Sometimes, you may have to spend time with your Grudge Holder. Try to manage your discomfort for the sake of others present. Don’t take the bait or the bullshit, but don’t make everyone else miserable either. Remember this person has unacknowledged pain and values your demise over benevolence. After all, that’s what grudges are about. Don’t you do the same.
11. Be Available For Reconciliation (Sort Of)
At some point, your Grudge Holder might decide to return to your life. While it doesn’t make sense to allow abusive anger to linger, be open to that return — especially if the relationship was important or fulfilling. Seeking an apology is fine, but don’t be surprised if you never get one. Your Grudge Holder may feel they did nothing wrong. Besides, people who hold grudges weren’t self-aware enough to avoid holding a grudge in the first place! And sometimes that’s okay.
There’s no need to put your life on hold while you wait out someone’s grudge against you. Try to accept the reality of it while carrying on with your bad self. Everyone can have a fulfilling life without their Grudge Holder in it. That includes you.